If you’ve heard of people having affairs or have been confronted with one directly, you’re probably wondering why this happens, and what goes on in the mind of the person doing it. Is true that there can be different causes for this, but the main cause of affairs is usually a lack of a phycological need. In other words, he or she is usually not satisfied in their current relationship in different areas, so they look for something exciting outside of the relationship.
As someone that has a diploma in The Phycology of Romantic Love, I’m going to teach you about the phycology behind an infidelity, how does it happen and why it happens.
After learning about this, you’re gonna understand and be a pro at knowing why affairs happen and how can a couple prevent it from happening.
This post is all about the phycology of affairs and what can someone do about it to prevent it from happening.
Understanding the Main 2 Emotions of a Relationship
When you are in a relationship, there’s mainly 2 emotions that you’re going to feel. Which are:
- Desire
- Fear
Any emotion, can be at a high level, or at a low level. For example, you might have high levels of fear for a lion, but you have low levels of fear with your dog. In the same sense, you could have high fear to lose the person that you’re with because they always are at the edge of leaving you, or you could have low levels of fear because you trust they love you and won’t leave you.
The level of the emotions is going to depend directly on how the other person behaves with you. For example, if I constantly threat my wife to leave her, I’m going to provoke high levels of fear in her. In other words, it’s depending on my actions what emotions I provoke in the other person.
Understanding Phycological Needs
We as humans have biological needs. For example, we need to eat, drink, go to the bathroom, breathe and have shelter. If we don’t have this things we will eventually die.
In the same way that we have biological needs, we also have phycological needs. You’re probably wondering, how many? The answer is 2. We have 2 main phycological needs which are the following:
- Diversion
- Refuge
Each one of this phycological needs takes care of satisfying one of the 2 emotions previously mentioned.
Diversion
The phycological need of Diversion is in charge of increasing the level of Desire for the other person. It mainly stands for Fun. Everything that’s exciting, pleasurable and enjoyable. Is the things that you are attracted to because you like to do it, it’s pleasurable and fun to do, you enjoy doing it.
In a romantic relationship this phycological need gets satisfied from making jokes and having a good time, all the way into having sex. It can also be simple little things like cooking together, to more complex ones like achieving life goals. Mainly you’re having fun and a good time.
You can measure how well it’s being satisfied by just noticing how desirable or not desirable the other person is to you. There are many things that go into being desirable. But mainly there are 2. Which are:
- The Social Aspect
- The Physical Aspect
If there’s a lack of Diversion, the person can start to slowly go into a depression. In other words, you can start feeling dead in the inside. Just as you would die biologically if you don’t have your biological needs covered, you can slowly feel like you’re dying in the inside the desire is not satisfied, which could lead to a depression.
Refuge
The phycological need of Refuge is in charge of lowering the Fear of the other person. It stands for everything that gives safety to someone. Refuge is trustworthiness.
In romantic relationships, refuge can be satisfied by doing things that provide safety for the other person. Such as having control over your actions, being predictable, and some others.
If there’s a lack of Refuge, the person will feel anxious most of the time, or anguished. Having this covered is really important.
For example, is like providing safety to a child that there will be food to eat everyday at his house. If he doesn’t have that safety, he’s going to live anxious worrying about if there’s gonna be food or not, probably to the point that he’ll take extra food to his room to save it in case there’s no food tomorrow.
An optimistic state in a relationship, is when there’s high desire for the person, and low fear of losing her. In other words, the phycological need of Diversion is being satisfied properly, and the phycological need of Refuge is also being satisfied properly.
This state is what everyone in a relationship wants to be in. Undeniably. There’s a way to get there. But it takes effort.
This Theory of Phycological Needs was developed and taught to me by my teacher Juan I. Ardon.
So, What is the Main Cause of Affairs?
Let’s locate ourselves in the Phycological Need of Diversion. When this need is not being satisfied properly, it can lead to what is called a complementarity.
A complementarity is when I satisfy my need of Diversion outside of the relationship with something or someone else.
I’m not having fun in my relationship, so I go outside of it to satisfy my desire with something or someone else.
This is why affairs happen, the person that does it is not having fun inside of the relationship so he goes outside to have fun.
Marriage should be fun, and if it’s not being fun, it can be fixed.
If a phycological need is not being satisfied, many things can be done to fix it.
Cheating is an immoral act because that wasn’t the only option the person had. Firstly, you can seek help if there are serious issues, and if that doesn’t work, you can leave the relationship before cheating.
In conclusion, the main cause of affairs is a lack in the phycological need of Diversion. If it was fulfilled, the affair would have very low chances of happening.
Why did I cheat on my Wife?
If you cheated on your wife and you’re wondering how you got there, you’re probably feeling lost. However, nothing is out of nowhere. There must be a cause for this. The reason why most men cheat on their wives is because of poor rational thinking patterns, and lack of fun in the relationship. They tend to see other women as more exciting since they’re not having fun in their relationship.
There’s no reasonable argument to cheat on your wife, but you can understand at least why it happened. Instead, what a married male should focus on, is in making his relationship more exciting.
Can affairs be healthy?
If you’re thinking about having an affair, and are wondering if it could be something healthy, the answer is: No, an affair can’t be healthy generally speaking. If you have an affair you should get an intense feeling of guilt, which is poison for your self esteem.
In the other hand, if you don’t get feelings of guilt while cheating, you’re tricking yourself, because is something to feel guilt about. You may be able to hide it from your wife but there’s one person you can definitely not hide it from, and that’s you.
This post was all about the phycology behind affairs that anyone dealing with one or interested in the phycology behind it should know about.
